2.54pm.

Haven't written much contemplation in ages.

Life is nice these days.  I feel that I may not be accomplishing much, but that
I am fulfilling very well a need I have ignored for far too long: to have a
great deal of fun and to get REAL ENJOYMENT out of life.  

Hanging out with da b-dawg is very conducive to as much.  He is unbelievably
GOOD to be around and it makes me smile a lot.

I have a tendancy to look to boys as ways of motivating me to become a better
person in one way or another.  K was good at encouraging the funny, M (who I
have missed lately; who I ended with before either of us was ready) taught me
nothing so much as fucking, N... I thought I needed to learn how to be sure of
myself and confident in the extreme way that he is.  But it was a foul
misdecision on my part and led to massive insecurity issues the likes of which I
have never had before.  I am dealing with it.  I am already healed in my belief
of myself to be totally rocking in an overall cool sense, but the intelligence
and ability to be an 3l33t hax0r shall be tougher goings.  I also wanted to get
his ambition, but it scares me too much to have ever gotten the hang of it.

I don't want to put this up where other people can see it.  I do want to put
something up, though.  I miss the graffitti.  I miss the passive-aggressive
attacks.  And I don't miss them, too.  I'm glad I'm not allowing myself to have
an outlet for them for now, as N is to me.  What is the point of spreading the
hatefulness?  I think it feels nice for a bit, to be honest about the bitchiness
in your heart, to let yourself think that someone is deserving whatever you dish
out.  But I hate the idea of it, the thought that there has to be this constant
level of unhappiness in the world, which you have to push onto someone else to
get off yourself.


***

songs: ohia is beautiful, and I could listen to Hold On, Magnolia all day and
all night.


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